Whacked Out Amazon Reviews

It’s Friday so I wanted to kick off the weekend with a journal entry that would make folks smile and relax a little- Customer reviews. Don’t groan. Everyone likes to read them, especially when it reveals some nightmare story that helps them avoid blowing their dough on a bad product. Big businesses have been born on the review model as well. Take Shopping.com’s recent IPO a business comprised of comparison shopping agent DealTime and review site Epinions.

I have been utilizing the Amazon Web Services for some time and I find it a great tool for supplying information, especially product reviews, to act as ancillary content. On a lark I decided to really bore into the reviews to see I could see anyone “gaming” the review system. You see this a lot on places like Download.com where rival software authors “review bomb” their competitors. What I found was a whole new world of strange humor…a collection worthy of its own site or perhaps a book.

Take for example the Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator (AED) . This is definitely a serious product that should only be used under serious circumstances but the reviews read like a wonderful comedy.

First the product description underscores America’s fascination with describing things to the nth degree to ensure you don’t get the wrong idea like using this product yourself to return from the after-life.

Consider these things before your purchase.
-If you have questions or concerns about your health, or an existing medical condition, please talk with your doctor. A defibrillator does not take the place of seeking medical care.
-You cannot use the HeartStart to treat yourself.
-Users may need to perform CPR.

On that cautionary note let’s dive into a few of the product reviews I found. It is worthy to observe that these playful reviews didn’t last long after someone complained to Amazon. Fortunately I was able to archive them locally for the sake of study.

John Doe, out of Missouri, raves about the dangers of Sausage Gravy Lard Balls and how the Phillips product saved him from a near fatal incident. Sadly, almost 20 people found this review helpful.

From Amazon:

19 of 53 people found the following review helpful:
Still Alive – Enough Said!, October 25, 2004
Reviewer: John Doe (St Louis, MO USA) – See all my reviews

Sausage Gravy Lard Balls are a Thanksgiving Tradition in my family. A tradition that almost proved fatal last year! Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator (AED) was a real life saver after my heart rejected the pork laden calorie balls! Thank you Philips…and thank you Grandma! Your quick reflexes combined with the ease and power of the Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator gave me something to truly be thankful for!

I assure you it gets better.

Negombo “joe” out of Syndey Australia paints a gruesome picture of Japanese Emergency Medical care system based on his past experiences with the “meat wagons”. He feels the best bet is to forget about a few dozen joules to correct V-Tach but rather the exploration of cayenne peppers.

From Amazon:

Just what you need for overseas, October 26, 2004
Reviewer: Negombo “joe” (Sydney, Australia) – See all my reviews

I have not used this device – however, the time is ripe for one because not every country has as good an EMS as the US.

If you have lived in Japan, for example, as long as I did, then you might be aware of the fact that foreign doctors living in Japan refer to Japanese ambulances as “meat wagons” because the drivers of these vehicles do not have any training in life saving techniques. Many trauma patients end up DOA at Japanese hospitals because of lack of safeguards. In addition, the average Japanese will not help someone in distress (these days) so your chances of dying on the street are much greater in Tokyo than, say, New York or Seattle.

It might be better overall to try preventative measures – Read “Left for Dead” by R.F. Quinn to discover the wonders of cayenne in circumstances involving heart attack.

Perhaps the most interesting review (and I find it amazing that a dozen people actually found it helpful) was the “Bobs” who claims the defibrillator was an “insanely powerful stimulant”. I tried to block the obvious mental visuals.

From Amazon:

12 of 56 people found the following review helpful:
Insanely powerful stimulant, October 26, 2004
Reviewer: Robert Johnson “Bobs” (Lubbock, Texas) – See all my reviews

This automated defibrillator gives your body an incredible boost of energy when you need it most. Phillips has pulled through again with another amazing design perfect for long nights up studying or early mornings at the office. Just strap the suction cups to your chest, crank it up to full blast for desired results, and prepare yourself for an increase in pulse by at least 30 beats per minute. Repeat usage every 5-10 minutes for best effect.

Rest assured that not everyone was a court jester. Dallas Electronics Fan saved the day and my suspicion is this review combined with some other reports got the previous reviews yanked.

From Amazon:

17 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
disappointed by other reviewers ‘humor’.., October 26, 2004
Reviewer: Dallas Electronics Fan (Dallas,TX.) – See all my reviews

We had a similar brand installed throughout our workplace. They’ve saved at least one life so far, a man who would have left behind a wife and granddaughter he is raising. Philips should be commended for bringing a product like this to within reach of many people. Still too expensive for mass use however. I expect the price will drop over time and possibly be covered by insurance for those that are likely to need one. Good work Philips.

The moral of this journal entry? Only you can control the content on your site. Input from other users can be incredibly powerful. It can also be easily gamed. Don’t believe everything you read. Of course I could be a viral plant from Phillips utilizing basic memetics to create buzz about their new line of home cardiac machines…you never know.